Once the honeymoon period is over, it can be hard to keep the fire burning. Ten top tips on keeping things hot from relationship coach Candy Jannetta
Someone once told me that complacency is the opposite of love, not hatred. Feeling hatred still evokes passion and feeling, whereas complacency in a romantic relationship leads to that dull, stuck-in-a-rut feeling, which leaves us dissatisfied; we will eventually go elsewhere to fulfil our basic needs for love, sex and affection. How can we avoid the trap of complacency in our relationships and keep the sparks flying?
1. Practise an attitude of gratitude
Being genuinely grateful for all that your partner gives, says and does for you is fundamental. Gratitude needs to be practised on a regular basis and can be expressed in simple words such as, “thank you for that delicious meal we shared together”. It can be expressed in more grandiose ways such as buying gifts or flowers for your partner at times other than birthdays, Valentine’s Day, anniversaries or Christmas. It can be expressed physically with hugs, foot rubs and massages. Lastly it can be said in small or big acts of service such as taking out the rubbish or sewing a button on a shirt.
2. Create domestic bliss
Fighting over who’s cooking that night or who has or hasn’t cleaned the bathroom can fuel some almighty rows. If you haven’t already moved in with your partner, make sure you discuss the divide of domestic chores before you do. If you’ve already made your nest, there are some ways to keep the domestic rows at bay. Start by being very honest about what you don’t mind and really don’t like doing around the house. Forget about splitting chores exactly in half and making someone do a task they really hate. If there are some which you both hate, then divide those up and swap around from time to time. Thank each other for the jobs you both do – this keeps you motivated. If you can afford one – get in a cleaner and someone to iron shirts.
3. Remind yourselves often of what brought you together
Focusing on why you came together reminds you of your special bond and will help when thoughts turn to, “the grass would be greener if I was with someone else”.
4. Keep spontaneity alive in your relationship
Rigid routine can drain the blood out of the healthiest of relationships, because it is the opposite of spontaneity, which sparks romance and passion. Spontaneity and surprise are what keep us on our toes and make our heart skip a beat when we first get involved with someone. We’re not sure when they’re going to call, we are surprised by the intensity of our first kiss, we’re delighted when we’re taken to new places, introduced to new people and try out new things. When you’re past the initial wining and dining, dancing and romancing stage, avoid always going to the same places because they’re easy to get to or doing the same things together because that is what you know. Enjoy the adventure of discovering new places just as you did when you first started dating. Surprise each other with new pursuits and interests.
5. Spice up your sex life
Keep your sex drive alive with variety and excitement. Experiment having sex at different times of day rather than always when you go to bed or wake up in the morning. Vary where you have sex, whether it is in different rooms around the house or in locations away from home and vary positions and which of you initiates sex. It’s also important to make time for sex so block out a few hours together for that tantra-like sex experience! These are all things, which we do in the first throes of love but easily get out of the habit of doing, once we’re settled and comfortable.
6. Act, think and behave sexily
Dress to impress, even around the house. Invest in sexy underwear – a good return on investment is guaranteed! Pamper yourself with facials, pedicures, manicures, exercise, saunas and steams. Fantasise about each other when you are alone, then go home and re-enact your fantasies!
7. Remember what you were like and what you did when you first got together
Re-enact some of those special moments, such as going back to the place where you had your first date, spend a whole day in bed with no distractions, go for walks in the park, take baths together, phone each other when you are not together. If you have children, get a babysitter and go out, just the two of you.
8. Spend time apart
It’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Spending time apart makes you realise how special each other is and is a real aphrodisiac. If you spend a weekend apart, sparks will be flying once you are reunited again!
9. Maintain your independence
Maintaining your own interests and passions mean you will have things to talk about and share, which are inspiring, and bring life to the relationship. You will also feel less resentment that your freedom has been curbed in the relationship, if you are allowed to pursue some of your own interests.
10. Invest in quality time together
As well as spending time apart, it is equally important to spend time where you are truly focused on your partner. This means actually putting time in the diary and switching off the TV, radio and mobile phones and spending time talking and listening to each other. This could be time where you enjoy an interest together such as sport, dancing or catching a movie. Going on walks either in the park or out in the countryside is a great way to relax and unwind together.
Remembering to be, feel and behave romantically, passionately and sexily at least once a week will keep your relationship buzzing.
Candy Janetta is a life and relationship coach. Her work has been featured on BBC radio and in health and well being magazines. Visit her website www.essencial.co.uk
