Meeting your soul mate is not just about trying different dating options; it’s going out there with the right attitude, says relationship coach Candy Jannetta

1. Be honest about what you’ve had in the past
Over-romanticising a past relationship, which you ended and now regret, is a sure fire way to stay single or to become trapped in a pattern of short-lived, dead-end relationships. Instead of seeing past relationships through rose-tinted glasses, see them for what they were and remember that you ended them for a reason.

2. Let go of anger and resentment
When you have been badly hurt, it can be hard to let go of resentment and to trust again. Exercising forgiveness is essential to create space and so that you enter new relationships with positive energy.

3. Remember you deserve the best
One simple question, “What do I deserve out of a relationship?” can help you understand why you keep attracting Mr or Mrs Wrong. If we don’t admit to ourselves and communicate what we deserve, how can we expect others to know? Ask yourself what you deserve, note your answers and communicate this to potentials.

4. Get clear about what you want
How many people do you know out there who are looking for someone with a good sense of humour and who likes going out to dinner and staying in? There are many asking for these same things and they will attract lots of people but this criteria is not specific enough to attract the right person. To attract your soul mate, you need to communicate exactly what you want, for example, not just that you want someone with GSOH but someone with a dry, sense of humour. You also need to get clear about what you cannot tolerate in a relationship, for example, poor communication or aggressive behaviour.

5. Learn to love rejection
Rejection is hardest to handle when we take it personally. Remember that anyone rejecting you after one or two dates cannot reject YOU as a person. This is because they have not got to know the whole you.

When we are looking for a new job, we seldom limit the amount of CVs we send out or the number of interviews we go to, just because we get rejected for one or two jobs. The same principle applies to meeting your soul mate, we have to kiss some frogs along the away.

6. Stop making excuses
There are thousands of excuses we use to justify why we’re single. They become self-fulfilling prophecies. Widely used excuses include:

“I need to lose weight before I start dating again.”

And

“All the decent guys are either gay or taken.”

Your energy is better spent letting go of the excuses and getting out there.

7. Let go of limiting beliefs
Beliefs are thoughts, which become truths for us. We do everything we can to make these beliefs ever more powerful and true. A common belief around meeting someone is:

“I believe it’s never going to happen to me.”

If you believe this you will use failed dates, rejections and not meeting anyone as proof that this is true.

You need to create a new positive belief, such as, “I believe I will meet the right person for me”. If you believe this, you will look on failed dates and relationships as bringing you ever closer to that right person.

8. Don’t expect “the one” to come knocking on your door
Knights in shiny armour or glamorous babes don’t come knocking at your door while you’re chilling out watching TV. You need to get out there and grab opportunities to meet potentials. Remember that if you carry on doing the same things, you’ll get the same results, i.e. stay single.

We are lucky to live in an age of infinite dating options from internet and speed dating to taking up new interests, singles holidays, dance classes and blind dates organised by friends. If there’s a dating option you haven’t tried, go ahead and give it a go.

9. Act flirty
You never know where you will meet someone, it could be on the tube or at a friend’s house so don’t save your flirting for bars and clubs. This doesn’t mean pouncing on any unsuspecting men but being open to possibilities. Men approach women who smile, return eye contact and use open body language.

10. Don’t give up
It can take time to meet your soul mate, just as it can take years to land your dream job. Keep enjoying the process and don’t lose hope along the way. The right person will be worth waiting for and will come when you have created space and are truly ready. Good luck!

© Candy Janetta, essencial December 2006

Candy Janetta is a life and relationship coach. Visit her website www.essencial.co.uk She is also Relationship Coach for the Relationship Gym, Relationships Champion for the Well Being Network (leading UK portal for Health and Well-Being), and Date Coach for The Single Solution (established London based event organiser for single professionals). Her work has been featured on BBC radio and in health and well being magazines.