There are definitely times in your life when being single can be just the thing you need, but what if you are now ready for a relationship? Elspeth Waters tries out a one-to-one relationship coaching session
Do you ever feel like there are no decent men out there? Or that all of your relationships turn out pretty similar, no matter how different the guys first appear? Or perhaps, as friends freely flaunt their diamonds or designer-clad offspring under your nose, you may be starting to think singledom is just your lot in life… If these sentiments ring any bells, then perhaps you need to hear from a former single gal who has since left the dark side well and truly behind. Enter Candy Jannetta, a real, live, relationship coach, determined to bring lasting love to the dating-ly challenged.
Having been single for nearly six months, I figure I could surely use a little resuscitation in that department and happily submit to an hour’s one-to-one in the hands of an expert. As Candy appears at the door, all smiles and cute curls, I’m immediately sceptical that someone so instantly likeable could ever have been left on a lonesome bar stool. But Candy spent the majority of her adult life as a singleton before she met and married her soul mate last year.
Formerly employed in marketing, five years ago Candy retrained as a life coach, working first with corporate clients and more latterly those looking for love. Having found happiness with someone she met via an online dating service, Candy decided to put a positive spin on her own experiences of destructive and unfulfilling relationships by helping others to sidestep similar disappointments.
While Candy has a wide range of clients, certain trends have emerged among them. “I do see some men, but most of my clients are women,” she says. “There tends to be two main types: firstly women in their 30s who have been seriously focused on their careers and not given all that much thought to their relationships but now hear the biological clock ticking away; and, increasingly, women in their 30s, 40s, or 50s who have been through one relationship or marriage and have an amazing sense of empowerment, realising they want something better second time around.”
A little baggage is sadly an inevitable by-product of the dating game, and some of it may seem hard to relinquish, in which case a little counselling may be sensible. However, while Candy readily admits that we cannot move forward until we draw a line under the past, her approach is very much about the here and now. “With coaching I do some work with people on their past, for example with regards to relationship patterns or things with their past that may be holding them back from meeting their soul mate, but the difference from counselling is that rather than looking at why these things may have happened, I concentrate on how to change these patterns for the future,” she explains. “It is very result and action-focused. It is about going out there and doing something practical, because even if you are thinking all the right things, you are not going to meet your ideal partner if you stay at home alone every night.”
Candy says a lot of her clients are high-powered business executives, who clearly want to find a relationship but for whatever reason, Cupid hasn’t struck. “I tend to attract clients who are very self aware but have told themselves that a relationship ‘will just happen’. Now that it hasn’t, they are willing to put some work in. After all, careers don’t just happen, so why should meeting a soul mate?”
So, where to begin on the search for Mr Right? Once Candy has identified any residual barriers to a client’s desire to enter a successful relationship, or ‘cleared space’, as she calls it, the focus shifts to self discovery. “First of all I try to find out where the client is operating on an emotional level,” Candy says. “This is the part of the process I call ‘Laying the Foundations’, which takes up most of the time.” Other relevant questions in this section include “How clear are you about what you want?” and “What excuses are stopping you from meeting your soul mate?” Popular responses to this being, “I don’t have time to meet anyone,” “I need to lose weight first”, or “I’m happy being on my own”, Candy reveals.
Clients signing up to Candy’s services are typically scheduled in for six to eight fortnightly sessions, with email contact in between to follow up on ‘homework’ tasks (i.e. dating techniques) she has suggested. And, according to Candy, vast transformations can be achieved in that time. “I’ve had a lot of success with clients. Some are now in meaningful relationships or, at least, much more aware of how to get there. In fact one of my former clients just emailed me to see they have met their soul mate and are getting married next summer, which is great news. It is very gratifying.”
With only an hour to delve into my experiences, Candy didn’t have much time to work her magic, but she did get me to consider dating in a whole new light and set me up with some useful tips for when I get around to actually getting out there and making it happen. For instance, she set me an exercise called “What you really, really want” which encourages thinking about our ideals, things we cannot tolerate and “nuisances”: those things about a potential partner that might be putting us off, but should perhaps not be just cause for showing them the door. So, next time I’m out on a date and his lime green shirt is screaming “turn and run”, I will count to ten and desperately try and focus on the more important qualities I’m looking for in a mate.
Candy is offering all marmaLADYa readers the chance to try out her relationship coaching with a complimentary 30-minute telephone session, email candy@essencial.co.uk to book, or for more information on her workshops and one-to-one sessions visit www.essencialsoulmate.co.uk
